Black User Stories 😱

Social: Mastodon Twitter
AS A
Firefox User
I WANT
Mozilla to disable all my addons
SO THAT
I can experience how the web looks without an adblocker.
AS A
Alexa User
I WANT
Amazon staff to listen to my recordings
SO THAT
they can laugh at my awful dialect.
AS A
a Facebook user
I WANT
Facebook to store my password in plaintext
SO THAT
the Facebook employees can laugh about my easy password.
AS A
newsletter user
I WANT
companies to check my e-mail using a verification service
SO THAT
my e-mail address is published in an open mongo db.
(link)
AS A
federal police authority
I WANT
to store bodycam recordings in the cloud
SO THAT
a minor misconfiguration can expose them to the whole world.
AS A
messenger user
I WANT
people to be able to find me using my phone number
SO THAT
my abusive ex knows when I am chatting.
AS A
sex toy owner
I WANT
my vibrator to connect to the cloud
SO THAT
I can accidentally share how often I masturbate.
AS A
Facebook user
I WANT
Facebook to suggest new friends based on my location
SO THAT
I get to know the other patients of my psychologist.
AS A
User
I WANT
the ToS to be 32 pages long
SO THAT
I have a good excuse why I did not read them anyway.
AS A
Netflix user
I WANT
the next episode to start automatically
SO THAT
I do not need to consider going to bed at 2am.
AS A
chinese user
I WANT
the government to filter the internet
SO THAT
I can easily avoid reading the wrong news.
AS A
devop
I WANT
to use a container built by a stranger
SO THAT
I have less work deploying it without noticing the bitcoin miner on the mail server.
AS A
news reader
I WANT
the website to use Facebook for comments
SO THAT
my friends can see what stupid things I post below the article.
AS A
search engine user
I WANT
to have personalized results
SO THAT
I do not need to leave my bubble.
AS A
PC-User
I WANT
to have a management engine in my CPU
SO THAT
I can compute while I compute.
AS A
gamer
I WANT
to have a game with lootboxes
SO THAT
I have a positive surprise, when every 100th contains something valuable.
AS A
Twitter user
I WANT
Twitter to keep my deleted messages
SO THAT
they still can leak in the next data breach.
AS A
browser user
I WANT
my browser to stop extensions from modifying websites
SO THAT
nobody can damage my user experience by removing all the interesting ads.
AS A
video platform
WE WANT
to show you many flat earth and anti vaccine videos
SO THAT
you keep being a stupid person, but click more ads than the educated persons.
AS A
company
I WANT
to take your privacy and security seriously
SO THAT
you won't be mad at us when you find all your data in a pastebin.
AS AN
EU citizen
I WANT
to have #article13
SO THAT
my schoolmate's stupid YouTube channel is closed.
AS A
public transport user
I WANT
the surveillance cameras to have microphones
SO THAT
at least the security guard is listening when I bore the people I am talking to in the subway.
AS A
PC user
I WANT
to be unable to turn off updates
SO THAT
my PC needs to install updates for half an hour when I have to do a important presentation.
AS A
developer
I WANT
my team chat to need 4 GB of RAM
SO THAT
I have a reason to get a new workstation.
AS A
smarthome owner
I WANT
my alarm system to have a microphone
SO THAT
the Google Assistant hear me screaming when somebody murders me.
AS A
Parody site
I WANT
to amuse you with black user stories
SO THAT
you can laugh about the sad reality.